A year ago I felt you go,
Though at the time I didn’t know.
I felt your last kick that jolted me awake,
I felt your last breath,
That your soul did take.
I awoke with excitement,
I awoke with fear,
Longing for your face & body,
To hold so dear.
I couldn’t wait for you,
So I went out to prepare instead--
I bought you clothes & linens for your bed.
I got home in the evening,
Daddy came home too.
I told him you would be coming soon,
The house turned into a zoo.
Before I knew it, all were ready
We loaded up the truck,
Shaking excitedly, not at all steady.
I screamed, I cussed, I scratched Daddy’s neck!
My fears subsided just a moment when,
Up to delivery I went.
But something wasn’t right inside,
I begged for someone to help,
But alas, you were already gone.
I screamed till my ears hurt.
There you were inside of me,
But your soul didn’t wait for birth.
My little princess rest in peace,
Was too beautiful for Earth.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Despair & Hope
In just a few short days it will have been one year since I went into labor only to find out that our darling daughter, Isabella passed away. Thinking of where I was last year compared to this year, is just so daunting to think about. This day last year was the last time I really felt my life was somewhat normal. Tomorrow will mark one year since I'm sure something truly went wrong and will always be the day marked with the regret of knowing I may have been able to do something to save her. But yet, I didn't know any better, and do not blame myself. All the books say how I was feeling on June 15th of last year was normal when you are getting ready to deliver. I felt like I had the flu and the Braxton-Hicks I had been experiencing for the last 17 weeks were beginning to feel like real contractions, but they were still irregular & had a lot of time in between them. Plus, when I told the nurse practitioner about the contractions, she insisted I still had a few weeks left no matter how my body was feeling & even though I told her my intuition said it wouldn't be much longer. June 16th & 17th were spent readying for Isy's arrival. Michael put up the crib, I packed my hospital bag, exchanged a few things at Walmart, and waited...
On the night of June 17th, I was definitely in labor. The contractions were hard and never got regular, they were right on top of each other almost from the beginning. My water broke & I kept feeling the need to push almost immediately so we rushed to the hospital in Champaign. An ER nurse raced me up to labor & delivery. I almost laugh when I think of her reflection in the windows by the elevators because I was yelling I needed to push-NOW! I think I was scaring her & Michael could barely keep up!
We got to the room. Michael’s & my parents waited in the waiting room. The staff hooked me up to monitors & checked to see how far I was dilated. The ultrasound showed nothing but bones & a slight outline of her body when they were looking for her heartbeat. The nurses were scrambling everywhere & the doctor came in & told us she was gone – but deep down we already knew. I screamed for them to cut me open, to just try to save her. But they wouldn’t cause there would be nothing they could do. I asked for them to please kill me too so I could be with my daughter. Devastation was taking hold and I couldn’t think in between the contractions. I had no amniotic fluid left, no baby, no hope. Only fear & despair were present. It took about an hour but they gave me an epidural & something to put me out so I could rest until I was fully dilated.
I remember our parents coming in & Mike & I told them Isabella was gone. Everyone was in shock and I felt so bad for all of them & for myself & Michael. There is no other feeling I’ve ever felt that was as raw of pain as at that moment.
I remember being in and out for most of the night. Crying whenever I would wake up. There were so many people there to support us, but yet, there is no support sufficient when you find out your child is dead. It’s such a helpless feeling and nothing takes it away in those first few moments.
Once it was time to deliver, the delivery was very easy. I truly believe God’s hand guided my delivery & subsequent physical healing. The emotional healing has been harder, but God has been there to guide me and to hold me in times of need. God brought words of wisdom when I needed them, a support group when I needed it, hugs & words of kindness from the most caring of people….I thank God everyday for allowing me to continue to live so I can remember my first daughter & carry my second daughter.
Even though my second Lil’ Miss is still in my belly, I feel her spirit inside me. She kicks and pokes & turns & hiccups and each movement is a moment of knowing her presence. Her personality is sarcastic like her daddy; she never does what the techs want her to at the ultrasounds. They need her to turn and she does a somersault and lands back how she started. I need her to stop kicking my bladder so I poke her and she kicks harder. I need more room to breathe so she hugs close to my ribs harder. I love every moment I have with her and I pray every day & have faith that she will arrive home safely.
I never felt so close to God before. I feel like His words of wisdom carry me through the most mundane moments of need. I’ve never felt so alive in His Love before as I do this pregnancy. It’s such an amazing feeling to realize that I’m truly living on His strength and not my own. I’ve never been so blessed. Even when I’m having a hard time emotionally, physically, or even financially, it’s impossible to feel all the way down. It’s like He’s put this little light of hope in me that won’t allow me to live in misery.
Thank you God for every moment and for allowing me to let those moments take my breath away.
On the night of June 17th, I was definitely in labor. The contractions were hard and never got regular, they were right on top of each other almost from the beginning. My water broke & I kept feeling the need to push almost immediately so we rushed to the hospital in Champaign. An ER nurse raced me up to labor & delivery. I almost laugh when I think of her reflection in the windows by the elevators because I was yelling I needed to push-NOW! I think I was scaring her & Michael could barely keep up!
We got to the room. Michael’s & my parents waited in the waiting room. The staff hooked me up to monitors & checked to see how far I was dilated. The ultrasound showed nothing but bones & a slight outline of her body when they were looking for her heartbeat. The nurses were scrambling everywhere & the doctor came in & told us she was gone – but deep down we already knew. I screamed for them to cut me open, to just try to save her. But they wouldn’t cause there would be nothing they could do. I asked for them to please kill me too so I could be with my daughter. Devastation was taking hold and I couldn’t think in between the contractions. I had no amniotic fluid left, no baby, no hope. Only fear & despair were present. It took about an hour but they gave me an epidural & something to put me out so I could rest until I was fully dilated.
I remember our parents coming in & Mike & I told them Isabella was gone. Everyone was in shock and I felt so bad for all of them & for myself & Michael. There is no other feeling I’ve ever felt that was as raw of pain as at that moment.
I remember being in and out for most of the night. Crying whenever I would wake up. There were so many people there to support us, but yet, there is no support sufficient when you find out your child is dead. It’s such a helpless feeling and nothing takes it away in those first few moments.
Once it was time to deliver, the delivery was very easy. I truly believe God’s hand guided my delivery & subsequent physical healing. The emotional healing has been harder, but God has been there to guide me and to hold me in times of need. God brought words of wisdom when I needed them, a support group when I needed it, hugs & words of kindness from the most caring of people….I thank God everyday for allowing me to continue to live so I can remember my first daughter & carry my second daughter.
Even though my second Lil’ Miss is still in my belly, I feel her spirit inside me. She kicks and pokes & turns & hiccups and each movement is a moment of knowing her presence. Her personality is sarcastic like her daddy; she never does what the techs want her to at the ultrasounds. They need her to turn and she does a somersault and lands back how she started. I need her to stop kicking my bladder so I poke her and she kicks harder. I need more room to breathe so she hugs close to my ribs harder. I love every moment I have with her and I pray every day & have faith that she will arrive home safely.
I never felt so close to God before. I feel like His words of wisdom carry me through the most mundane moments of need. I’ve never felt so alive in His Love before as I do this pregnancy. It’s such an amazing feeling to realize that I’m truly living on His strength and not my own. I’ve never been so blessed. Even when I’m having a hard time emotionally, physically, or even financially, it’s impossible to feel all the way down. It’s like He’s put this little light of hope in me that won’t allow me to live in misery.
Thank you God for every moment and for allowing me to let those moments take my breath away.
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